This is some English Jokes×jokes that I collect from different resources I hope you gays enjoy it.
Right and Wrong
Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong..
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife..."
Classic, Short English Jokes
- Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.
- What do you call an Englishman with an IQ of 50? Colonel, sir.
- They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.
- An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.'Would you like one with a plug?' asked the assistant.'Don't tell me they've gone electric,' said the Englishman..
Classic Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman Joke
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'
The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'
The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with River-dance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'..
The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'
The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'
- Why do cows have horns?Because their bells don't work.
- What is the longest word in the English language? 'Smiles'. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters..
- Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares.
- Did you hear what the English, the Irish and the Scots did when they heard the world was coming to an end? The English all went out and got drunk. The Irish all went to church. And the Scots had a closing down sale.
- There are four kinds of people in the UK :i. First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on;ii. Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbors;iii. Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway.iv. Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.
- What do you do if you are driving your car in central London and you see a space man? Park in it, of course..
- What government agency is responsible for finding lost vicars? The Bureau of Missing Parsons.
- Last night there was a big fight in our local fish and chip shop - a lot of fish got battered.
- Last night a man fell into a barrel of beer and drowned - he came to a bitter end..
- Did you hear about the man who was convicted of stealing luggage from the airport? He asked for twenty other cases to be taken into account.
Replacement Windows - A Funny English Joke
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive casement type with shutters. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellooo.... Just because I have fair hair doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Hellooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot.
loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool
Paul and the Alphabet
Teacher: Paul. Give me a sentence beginning with "I".
Paul: I is the...
Teacher: No, Paul . You must say "I am" not "I is."
John: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
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